This past month of June has been Pride Month. A month that I celebrated as an Ally and a closeted Bisexual.
Oh yes, I can hear the record scratch in your head. Despite the fact that I cannot see you and that this isn’t a live writing, my heart is pounding hard in my chest and my eyes are beginning to water writing this. You are not related to me, but you are reading my first sincere coming out.
Since questions are common when it comes to this, I’ll just start to answer them and maybe dive into my story. If you stick around until the very end, you’re the real MVP.
For as long as I can remember, I have been attracted to both boys and girls. In elementary school I remember not actually thinking too much about it. Middle school came and I had a rash of boyfriends because, ya know, I was totally ready for that despite not even understanding what a boyfriend was beyond someone you get to hold hands with and kiss. Things I couldn’t do with girls without it being considered even more weird than I was already being called.
I remember a specific girl. She was my best friend and my first girl crush, though I didn’t realize it at the time. I remember feeling around her what I felt around boys and because I was young, just attributed it to being close and the fact that she helped me through my depression at the time. We’re no longer best friends because of time and distance but we are still friends and follow each other on social media and she’s still as beautiful as I remember.
High school came and I was questioning everything. I was questioning my faith. My moral code. Who I was. My sexuality. All the parts of growing up. I still had my crushes on girls but not confident enough to actually ask any of them out. I was being bullied and my self esteem was torn to shreds and without realizing that it was happening, I pushed down the urge to come out. To come out was to give them more fuel and I didn’t think I could handle the flames.
I remember asking my parents what they would think if I was bisexual. They said I better not be. They were most likely joking but who knows? I asked my grandparents what they thought about bisexuals. My papa said he thought they were a selfish people for liking and wanting both sexes. He was also probably joking. But I was 15 and long before any of us, including I, realized, I took all of it literally. At least my emotions did. So I kept my mouth shut.
About four years ago, a year after I graduated, I realized that there was nothing wrong with how I felt about both men and women. That the fact that I was attracted to both sexes didn’t make me selfish or more likely to cheat. Those aren’t facts.
And for those people who are saying, ‘Oh well, I dated this bisexual and they cheated on me’ or ‘oh I know a few people who were cheated on a bisexual’ Those people are cheaters. Using their sexuality is a cop-out. A convenient one for cheaters and for people who just generally have a disdain for bisexuals.
Anyways, despite that realization, I still did not come out. I do think I hid under the cover of ‘I shouldn’t have to come out since straight people don’t have to’ but that was MAJOR PRIVILEGE TALKING.
I was already in a Heterosexual relationship with my now husband at the time. He knew I was bisexual despite me not fully having to express that I was. We never discussed it. I never brought it up with his parents. I didn’t have to bring it up to strangers. BUT THAT’S BECAUSE I WASN’T IN AN “UNCONVENTIONAL” RELATIONSHIP.
People weren’t coming up to me and assuming shit because they us holding hands. We weren’t being asked to “perform” certain private things to “prove” we were together.
It’s only NOW, after being bisexual for as long as I can remember but being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship for six years, THIS pride month, that I realized not only the privilege I have been living under but also the lie. The lie that I am not queer. It may not be an explicit lie, but it’s an omission of myself, who I love and who I am attracted to (genitals be damn).
They are teens being kicked out of their homes. People who have been bullied when they have come out or when they have been FORCED to come out to the point where they commit suicide. Or they’re being sent to camps to make them straight.
And I have been sitting here protected by my omission.
With that sentence, with this whole post in fact, this is how I feel about ME. How I feel about what I have been through and what I have been doing. I have been through 10% hardship about sexuality. Nothing more.
I won’t deny it’s been hard to be around family and worry they’ll turn against you if you reveal your sexuality or constantly make fun of your sexuality. I won’t deny that a part of me shrinks every single time I hear that bisexuality is only a phase. I won’t deny that going through my tumblr and constantly seeing the back and forth between not only straight people but also people that are part of the LGBT+ as they try to determine whether or not they accept Bisexual people as a legitimate thing has made me wary and even scared of actually saying anything. But that’s 10% hardship for me.
Again, this is how I feel about me. I want nothing more than for the people out there to be safe. If you’re not ready to come out, don’t. I have been ready to come out for YEARS but I got comfortable and liked not fighting with my family or fighting for my identity.
Right now though, I am thinking of 15 year old me. How she needed an adult to tell her that if you are bisexual of course I still love you, and not as an afterthought once “Oh you better not be” or the like. I’ve been wanting nothing more than to be the adult that I needed when I was younger and I failed on the sexuality part for years. I need to make up for that if I want to become that adult.
This is my first official coming out post. For those of you who think I am a pussy for writing it on here and not on my Facebook, well, you’re not wrong. But this is a slow process I’m allowing myself. There are many things that will come out hopefully before the end of Pride month and even beyond that.
Because Pride month isn’t the only month I should take pride in who I am. Something I have to remember.
For those of you who read all the way until the end…you’re the real MVP.
Thanks for reading! Peace!