THE CHOICE

First thing that pops to mind is probably the new Nicholas Sparks movie right? That was an awesome movie but this isn’t a review. This is about the choice I had to make two years ago and how it very balantly changed not only my life but the people around me.

To get into it, two years ago I found out I was pregnant. I was already eight weeks along when I took the pregnancy tests that confirmed it. I remember how my mind had stopped working when it came to thinking into the future. I was suddenly capable of only reacting on what was being said to me but unable to really think beyond that. When my significant other asked me what I was going to do, I said without my thought: “I’m going to get an abortion.”

Sounds like my mind was pretty made up right? Yeah nope. Let me explain the type of person I used to be: I was the person that if found in a situation where one of the parties had to compromise, I’d be the one to compromise no matter what it did to me personally. When my significant other asked me that, I had looked him in the face and saw in his expression the fear that I was going to quickly decide that I was going to keep the baby. I reacted off of that. I didn’t know the phrase: “I need to think about it” nor how to use it. I was raised to give an answer quickly and do it.

Still reading? I know a lot of people are really peeved at the fact that women get abortions because they don’t want to have the child. 

The other reason why I automatically said abortion was because I really did think that my family would have made me do one. They did not like my significant other. They had openly talked about it to me. Why in the world would they have wanted to have a connection to someone they didn’t like? Surprisingly, they were super pissed off at me for wanting an abortion.

Here is how my family and I work though. Whenever I want to do something, they don’t want me to. They’ll talk me out of it or do something to where I cant do it. Doesn’t matter what it is. Whenever I don’t want to do something, they’ll make me to do it. My parents believe that because I’m their child I have to do everything they say or else I’m being disrespectful and they’ll get super moody or pissed off and stop talking to me or be verbally abusive. They really don’t give a damn about my feelings. So after years of that, when they started jumping down my throat about my decision to abort a child that I felt I wasn’t ready emotionally or financially to take care of, it made me hold onto that decision. It was mine to make, not theirs.

The lame thing is that they were right about me not going through with it. There was no planned parenthood where on Big Island where I lived so I would have to fly to Oahu and stay there. Problem with that was that I couldn’t take the days off work. That was technical though. It was the 11 week ultrasound that I fully made the choice to keep my little one. I heard her heartbeat, I saw her dance a little. I couldn’t do it.

Now I was in a different situation. I was still financially unstable to take care of a baby (I would later have to quit my job because I was at risk of hurting myself and the baby) but emotionally I was willing to figure it out.  My significant other however wasn’t on board.

I don’t think he’ll every know or understand how I felt when he reacted the way he did. I look back and wonder why I didn’t just dump him when he wouldn’t stop trying to get me to change my mind. When he couldn’t, he just stopped talking to me for a bit. I still tried though. What finally snapped out of whatever spell I was under was when he told me I betrayed him.

I had been the one who was betrayed. When I needed him, he bailed on me. So I told him that he had a choice now. He could get on board or he could leave me the hell alone. He told me to give a week. I gave it to him but I had already started to look towards a future without him. When a week passed he asked for another one. I cried every night for those two weeks.

We had been friends for eight years. We had been dating for two years and having sex for only a year. If someone that close to me could hurt me so much, why would I ever want someone that close to me Again?

After the two weeks had passed, he told he still wanted to be with me and he was more or less on board. When I’ll later ask him what made him decide that, he said it was because I was his best friend and he didn’t want to lose me.

I’ll be honest with you guys, I wasn’t optimistic about his answer. He made it sound like he just didn’t want to be alone. I still have doubts whenever I get upset at him that he didn’t just choose to make himself look good by stepping up. The optimistic outlook is that despite the fact that he’s still learning how to treat people, he does love me and our spawn.

Thanks for reading! Peace!

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